Follow the instructions. But be prepared to improvise.

This was originally a reply to Jay who asked about my piss-on-a-stick-am-I-knocked-up-or-what experience.
It was so long, I decided to make it an entry.

Dear Jay

The correct way is - shockingly - described on the pack of the pregnancy test strip. The strips actually fairly long so you get to stain the chemically-treated end with your tinkle. If your piss has gonadotrophins (which signal the onset of pregnancy), then you might be pregnant.

That last bit is important, cos that's what I used.
'Might be.'
(I had to soften the blow. The bitch was in hysterics).

My friend met a guy at a party, and after going out with him for about 15 minutes decided that he was worth a jump. Or five.

Cut to me the next day getting a call from what seemed to be a goose getting strangled. I get into my car, drive over and discover that my friend quite literally, doesn't want to have Colin's baby (he looked like a Colin).

I go buy a pregnancy kit, looking for all the world like the bastard who knocked her up (pharmacists can be really smug and judgemental) and drive back to her apartment.

I tell her how to do it.
She tells me she can't.
I describe - verbatim - the instructions.
She tells me she can't.
I offer to show her and start un-buckling my jeans.
She becomes an expert.

Long story short, she's not pregnant.
I told her unless she's got an allergy to latex, she might want to try condoms.
I offer to show her how those work too.

She laughs, hugs me and tells me I'm sweet and funny.
I felt like crying.
If I weren't so chickenshit, I'dve slashed my wrists to end the pain.