Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Put the lawmakers on a leash.

My neighbourhood is pretty nice.

The neighbours are friendly, family types. It's a great place to live in and I like coming home to this house, this home, more than any other I've known.

All that changed this morning.

According to the paper, not just my neighbouthood, but my entire town has effectively placed a ban on dogs. The law apparently states that:
  1. It is illegal to own a dog if you live in a terrace / link house. This constitutes most dog owners.
  2. Dogs are only allowed in bungalows and corner lots. Not even end lots - corner lots with land. This essentially means only the rich are permitted to have canine pets.
  3. Written consent must be obtained from all adjacent neighbours (front, back, left, right) using special forms available from the town council for 2 bucks. Each.
  4. Certain breeds of dogs will not be issued licenses, like mastiffs, bull terriers and rottweilers.
  5. Any licenses issued will have to be renewed annually, with no guarantee of renewal the next year.
  6. All dogs have to be muzzled when walked, presumably to prevent your 18-inch tall Chihuahua from mauling other residents.
I won't go into the obvious reasons why this is discriminatory.
What I will say is that this doesn't solve anything.
On the contrary, it has the potential to fracture a lot of goodwill amongst neighbours.
Imagine going to someone you've lived next to for years - whom you've had over to your house, whose kids you watched grow up etc - and asking their permission to keep a pet you already own for years and which they had no objection to previously.

If they object here are only two kinds of 'No's you're going to receive:
  • The polite, embarrassed kind ("I'm sorry, but I've got the safety of my kids to think of...")
  • The stone-walling, won't budge, no discussion, drawing-the-line kind ("To be honest, I've never been comfortable...")

Either way, you're going to wake up the next morning and look at these people differently.
And different in one of the worst ways because neither of you is going to move - philosophically or geographically.

I am just boiling now. I am fucking livid.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

You could potentially sue God.

A little while back, two US senators, Orrin Hatch and Patrick Leahy came up with the - quite frankly - brilliant piece of legislation named the Induce Act.

In essence, the main idea of said legislation is this - Anyone who creates technology that could potentially be used to break the law can be sued.

A simple, elegant solution that to my mind is right up there with the invention of the wheel.

Under potentially illegal under the Induce Act:

Things that play things.
  • iPods (illegal music)
  • Pianos (for mangling every piece Beethoven's ever written)
    Just gagging to be sued: Apple, Yamaha

Things that record or store things.
  • CD Burners (for making copies of music and movies you were too cheap to buy)
  • Ziplock bags (keeping your gloves after killing your housemate)
  • Pen (for writing mean things like "It's over Trish. It's the little things that got to me. Like your tits.")
  • Paper (for aiding and abetting aforementioned mean scrawlings to Trish)
  • The alphabet (Trish again)
  • Ink (poor fucking Trish)
  • Your brain (Dirty thoughts. And porn.)
    Up for some serious jailtime: The poor sods who came up with the alphabet, the first pen, the Indians for ink. And God for giving you a brain.

Things that you can move at high speed at other things.
  • Cars (into people - no matter how much the deserve it)
  • Planes (into buildings)
  • The Wheel (into people, wildlife)
  • Hands (slaps, punches, ass-grabbing/smacking)
  • Knees (particularly swift ones to the nuts)
  • Broadband
    The firing squad it is for: Henry Ford, Boeing, The Almighty, women's self-defense groups, your ISP.

Ironically not under threat of lawsuits:
  • Big Tobacco (Think about it. They get you hooked and kill you because you're using them exactly the way they intended. No harm, no foul)
  • Cocaine dealers (ditto)
  • Gun manufacturers (Firearms are made to deter people. Death is a kind of deterrence)

Don't you just love this world?

Hello Jay. I'm back.

  1. Jay encouraged me to start this blog.
  2. Jay is my most loyal visitor.
  3. Jay is my only visitor.
  4. That I'm referring to Jay / you in the third person is pretty silly.
  5. Not a brilliant way to stage my comeback.