Sunday, April 24, 2005

You could potentially sue God.

A little while back, two US senators, Orrin Hatch and Patrick Leahy came up with the - quite frankly - brilliant piece of legislation named the Induce Act.

In essence, the main idea of said legislation is this - Anyone who creates technology that could potentially be used to break the law can be sued.

A simple, elegant solution that to my mind is right up there with the invention of the wheel.

So.
Under potentially illegal under the Induce Act:

Things that play things.
  • iPods (illegal music)
  • Pianos (for mangling every piece Beethoven's ever written)
    Just gagging to be sued: Apple, Yamaha

Things that record or store things.
  • CD Burners (for making copies of music and movies you were too cheap to buy)
  • Ziplock bags (keeping your gloves after killing your housemate)
  • Pen (for writing mean things like "It's over Trish. It's the little things that got to me. Like your tits.")
  • Paper (for aiding and abetting aforementioned mean scrawlings to Trish)
  • The alphabet (Trish again)
  • Ink (poor fucking Trish)
  • Your brain (Dirty thoughts. And porn.)
    Up for some serious jailtime: The poor sods who came up with the alphabet, the first pen, the Indians for ink. And God for giving you a brain.

Things that you can move at high speed at other things.
  • Cars (into people - no matter how much the deserve it)
  • Planes (into buildings)
  • The Wheel (into people, wildlife)
  • Hands (slaps, punches, ass-grabbing/smacking)
  • Knees (particularly swift ones to the nuts)
  • Broadband
    The firing squad it is for: Henry Ford, Boeing, The Almighty, women's self-defense groups, your ISP.

Ironically not under threat of lawsuits:
  • Big Tobacco (Think about it. They get you hooked and kill you because you're using them exactly the way they intended. No harm, no foul)
  • Cocaine dealers (ditto)
  • Gun manufacturers (Firearms are made to deter people. Death is a kind of deterrence)

Don't you just love this world?

1 comment:

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Speaking in a professional capacity, if anyone wants to sue God they're going to have to get past me!

I've got your number, fella... oh yeah..