The first time I ever saw the whole condoms-in-a-wallet thing was on an episode of 21 Jump Street. Entire TV episodes, whole movies have been made about always having a pack of rubbers at the ready.
Now, I’m all for condoms. I’m all for protection. But I’ve never carried any in my wallet.
Thing is, I’ve never needed condoms except when I’m in a relationship. And though you generally want to have convenient access to them when an opportunity for life-changing sex arises, it always gives me a moment of pause when I see people who always seem to have condoms handy. Like spare change or toothpicks.
I come pick him up.
“I’m almost done, dude.”
And he is.
Movie tickets, check.
I don’t say anything.
I’m thinking all sortsa things, but I don’t say shit.
I’m helping move MY’s sofa into the living room of her new place.
MY: Hey come up, I’ll just clear up some stuff and I’ll buy you a drink.
Me: You better (stepping into the bathroom with her cos I need to wash my face).
She empties the contents of a recent trip to the pharmacy: a bottle of Dove shampoo, some of that tape you use to remove blackheads, and a pack of condoms.
Not the three-pack. The twelves.
She sees me staring and I try not to look like a judgmental prick. I pick it up and pretend to look casually at the brand.
Me: The variety is just staggering. Y’know, they have like strawberry flavoured ones now?
MY: I know. Who the fuck wants the guy to taste like fruit? I want a guy to taste like a guy. Don’t you?
Me: Er, no. I don’t taste guys. Period.
MY: Don’t be an ass. You know what I mean.
Me: Totally (a complete lie)
We reach our hotel. SC’s like this gotta-unpack-the-moment-we-check-in freak.
Razor (Gillette Mach 3)
Soap (Clinique for Men)
Nail clipper (Scholl)
Floss (Oral B)
Condoms (Durex Fetherlite)
Me: (waving pack of condoms) Is there something I should know?
SC: Oh, fuck you.
Me: Exactly what I’m worried about.
SC: You wish. It’s just in case.
Me: Just in case?
Me: C’s at home. Unless she’s flying over.
SC: She’s not. Nothing’s gonna happen. It’s just in case.
And nothing did happen. They have a kid now. He’s always been loyal.
By now, you’ve prolly gotten a laugh and I’ve come across looking like a Victorian-era prude.
But if I were a lady and I opened some guy's medicine cabinet, and six months of Durex is sitting there, staring me in the face, almost saying "Hey go on, help yourself," I'd be a little worried.
Or am I just not made for these times?