Thursday, September 15, 2005

The natural

Connie is very young, but already she’s an incredible comedian. Her comic timing is perfect, her jokes unforced, and oh so spontaneous. Connie also has no idea how talented she is.

Which is why instead of her own show, Connie works as a nurse at my chiropractor.

About a year back, I had a back injury. Long story short, I compressed the discs at the L4 and L5 vertebrae (I love saying that) and had a hard time walking for a while. And so began my acquaintance with Connie.

Connie administers various treatments as per the doctor’s orders e.g. ultrasound therapy, lumbar traction, muscle stimulation (leave it). Most require a hands-on approach (leave it I said) and talking is a way to make the time pass.

Connie: Now you take off pants.
Me: Don’t you wanna get to know me first, Connie?
Connie: No. No time today. I got other guy to do after you.
Me: It’s all just a job to you isn’t it?
Connie: Yes. Quickly! Pants!

I drop my shorts, lay on my stomach, and Connie squirts cold electrode gel on my ass. Now this is purely scientific. This is muscle stimulation therapy. It’s to simulate the muscles in my lower back the way a workout would, but I can’t work out cos I’m injured. So Connie uses electricity.
Connie turns up the voltage a bit too fast and I feel the current like 400 hornets stinging my ass.

Me: Connie, it’s getting uncomfortable.
Connie: You want pillow?
Me: No, there’s too much current. It’s getting painful.
Connie: You can take pain. Other guy can take pain. You can take pain.
Me: Connie, you’re hurting me.
Connie: But only a while. 10 minute!

Some days, I get strapped into the traction machine.
You lie on your back, on a device that looks like a narrow bunk (like on a train or submarine) but is actually an electric version of the rack they used on prisoners in the Bastille.

Connie puts a stool under my knees so I look like a dead spider with my legs in the air. She then straps me in. Tight. I mean, she puts one leg on the bed for leverage and pulls on the fucking strap like she’s hauling supplies up Mount Everest. I felt I should say something before my diaphragm imploded.

Me: Connie, it’s very tight.
Connie: Tight then only good. Must tight.
Me: Do you treat all men like this?
Connie: I just follow doctor. Doctor she say do you tight (turns to leave).
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Connie: Don’t worry, I come very fast. Now I go see other man.

And I’m paying 80 bucks a session for this.

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